Honestly, I’m having a really hard time writing this update. The reality of this current update, is that there isn’t much to update. There has been much we’ve been through with little result. But it is also true that we are very thankful for what God has done. We have two beautiful, silly, sweet, healthy children who fill our hearts with joy. We are doing everything we can to freeze time and enjoy them while they are little. And they are 100% enough!
That being said, we still have a lingering desire for at least one more child and God hasn’t given one. We believe He can do anything, far above what we could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20) and we have seen Him do that in the past. We are just trying to be patient.
In our first round of IVF, God blessed us with 3 precious embryos. Our first embryo is our daughter, Rylan. Then, God chose to take our second little life home to Him through miscarriage. Then, God gave us Cal (our last embryo).
We, then, began the process of making more embryos from our leftover frozen eggs. Unfortunately, we only got 1 embryo and lost that little life to miscarriage, too. Thus began a new cycle of bad news, hopeful news, bad news squashing our hopes, mourning the loss of hope, and going back to the drawing board. This has been especially true of our experience with insurance.
Something that many probably don’t realize is how long it can take to start fertility/IVF treatments. To put it in perspective, it has been about 6 months since our miscarriage and we are just now finally receiving the medications we need to start another IVF cycle. Most of that is due to the back and forth with insurance. A few times now, we’ve made a plan with our doctor that we all have peace about, only to find out that our insurance has rejected that plan. Once again, restarting that endless cycle.
The steps from here have not been clear. We have had many difficult questions for God. Many “why’s” and “how long’s”. We have been through many appointments and procedures already and still have more to come. We have sent up countless prayers. In fact, our kids are now are actively involved in praying for a new baby. But there is a silver lining. Through our pain, we have also experienced the sweet community of family and friends who are trusting Christ with us and supporting us through daily prayer. And we also feel the brokenness of this world ever clearer and we yearn for the day He will wipe all tears from our eyes.
As we grieve the babies we have lost, we also grieve the loss of entering back into the IVF world. It’s hard to fully describe the roller coaster of emotions that this process puts you through. We thought we were almost finished with it all. But after 2 healthy children and 2 losses, we are basically starting over again.
We often wonder if we are crazy. Many of you may think we are crazy. You may wonder why we would put ourselves through this when we already have “the perfect family- one boy and one girl.” Honestly, we still feel God’s clear leading that our family is not complete. So as broken as we may be, we continue to walk through the doors that He has opened. He will remain faithful, no matter what the outcome.
A disclaimer: The reality for many others who go through infertility is that they may never get to have their own children and we want to be sensitive to them. Our desire would never be to compare our pain to theirs. Each infertility journey is completely unique. We don’t share our story to compare. We simply share our story to shed light on the realities of infertility and to become a resource and encouragement to anyone who is walking this lonely path. If you or someone you know is struggling and needs advice or a listening ear, please reach out or send them our way. Through those that have struggled before us, we have experienced the hands and feet of Jesus. We just want to extend that grace to anyone we can.
To hear more about our IVF journey, you can check out our first blog post about our IVF journey here.
